I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
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