and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Randomize
