somebody snuck up and got me drunk
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
