I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
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