cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
He? As in you personified your dick?
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
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