ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
