the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
