If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
