The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
