evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Randomize
