Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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