We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Randomize
