um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
We left the knife in your bed.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Still dying that you shit outside
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
