If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
