I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
