I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
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