It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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