Please don't use social media to get back at me.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
