I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
