I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
