put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
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