Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
