I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Randomize
