Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Randomize
