you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
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