I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
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