She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
