My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Randomize
