Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
