Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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