did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
Randomize
