After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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