She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
