I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Randomize
