I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Randomize
