I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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