We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
