my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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