I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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