3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
