Redeem this text for a blowjob
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
