I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I am one with the molecules
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
