like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Randomize
