she woke up with a sticky ear
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Randomize
