My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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