Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Did you pee in the oven last night??
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
