We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
