omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
