I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
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