dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
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