I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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