Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Randomize
